Panic...not at the Disco

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Have you ever experienced extreme physical anxiety?

 It's only happened to me a couple times, but when it does, it takes over. My heart races. My cheeks flush and burn. My stomach ties itself in knots and everything tenses. I feel crippled even though my mind tells me it will be fine, everything happens how it should. I take deep breaths, but nothing seems to work. I feel sick to my stomach and want to cry. My hands shake uncontrollably and if I try to speak, it shakes too.  

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 Luckily, this only lasts a short amount of time because it either consumes so much of my energy that I become exhausted and numb or the culpable situation passes. 

This happens to me in a much lesser fashion before I have to speak in public, but then when I get up and speak, it's always fine and I have no trouble. 

The times it really takes over and gets me is when I engage in a confrontation of some sort with someone I care about. I fear letting people down, disappointing them. It terrifies me.

Even though, when I think through things, I can rationalize why other peoples' opinions don't matter. Why my behavior is correct. Why their opinions are incorrect. 

Even though I can think it through, it physically pains me to think of their upset. I don't let it control what I do, but it's certainly a hurdle. It used to be that I would do anything to avoid it, even if it was detrimental to me. 

Over time, I've realized that's no way to live. So I don't. But every once in a while, that sneaky little beast shows up and rears its ugly head. I wait for it it pass and keep going. That's just life, right?

It definitely makes me feel for people who suffer from panic attacks on a regular basis. I can't even imagine. 

Do you experience panic? How do you cope?

Journey Forward: A Letter to Myself One Year Ago

Dear Rebecca, 

You are burning the candle at both ends.

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This is what you do. It is going to take it's toll on your body, your heart, your patience and your relationships. You will break and be remade (both figuratively and literally).

Things work how they are supposed to though, for reasons you have yet to see. 

The effort you've put in now, the pain, the exhaustion, the stress will pay off in spades. 

You will make it to Bali and have a week of wonderful. 

You will renew friendships and reaffirm things you know about yourself but have put on a shelf; that you are strong, that you are able, that you need to change your life and it cannot wait. 

You will find the strength to do this thing because you know it is your future. Don't settle. Find balance. 

You can't change anyone but yourself; this is your time for you. 

You will heal and learn to trust God and the people He puts in your life. You will learn to love in a way you didn't know was possible. 

Everything will be topsy turvy but you will find your way. 

Your year will be full of adventures you haven't planned and people you've never met. 

The things you value will change but the most important things will remain. You will learn that you don't have to please everyone all the time. You will get better at saying no. You won't feel the need to over-analyze and gain approval of every facet of your relationship because ultimately, it isn't about what works for others. 

Be confident and trust your instincts. After all, you have to take risks to truly gain. 

Playing it safe won't cut it. 

At the end of this year, you will still be burning the candle at both ends, but your time will be spent in dramatically different ways. You will be in school and you will be academically challenged for the first time. Skating by won't work anymore.

You will spend your weekends going non-stop. You will get lost in those weekends and it will keep you going. 

Take time for yourself and the things that restore you.

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Keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will work out the way they should. 

Chelsea from LifeIsASunset hosts the Journey Forward challenge. 

Please stop by Chelsea's page if you are interested in other journeys. 

She has had an incomprehensible year. 

Keep her in your thoughts and prayers. 

Believe

Source: modernemotive.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Today, I'm a bit overwhelmed with everything I need to get done and the efforts I need to make for my future. 

However, I know that being overwhelmed is unproductive. 
All I need to do is break things down and take it 

One 

Thing 

At

A

Time

If I work hard and do everything I can, that's all I can do. 

Things will work out how they should. 

And, that's that. 

(Plus it is sunshiney and warm in Baltimore today!! Definitely puts me in a great mood!)


This weekend, Chris and I went on a walk along the new High Line Park. We saw these adorable little birds and soaked up the sun. Gives me hope that spring is on her way?

Happier

Source: google.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Last night I took stock of my life. I looked at the things that were upsetting me and the things that were making me happy. Then, I took some steps to make some changes. Now, although nothing has dramatically changed, I feel significantly better about the small progress I made. Then again, I might just be happier because the sun is shining and I'm headed to Miami tomorrow :)

Source: absolutelybeautifulthings.blogspot.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

What are you doing this weekend? I'm dreaming of sunshine, sand, water, sundresses, bikinis, flops and sunnies... 

Also, a friend sent me a link to this promotion to create and send a free card! I just created mine and it was so easy and turned out really well if I do say so myself. Valentine's Day is coming up and even if you don't have a special someone, it's always fun to brighten someone's day with a random card! 

I Don't Run

Isn't this elephant adorable? Chris thought I had lost my mind when I insisted we stop so I could take a picture of it. Whenever I visit him in NY, we end up walking all over the city. I love that we can ramble all over and never run out of new things to see. 

The UN Building

Do you know that couple? The super cute one, they exercise together? The girl, she's tiny and has a headband that matches her spandex. Every step she takes looks effortless and it's obvious, she's never sweat a day in her life? 

I'm not that girl. 

Saturday, we went on a run along the east river path (read: Chris ran, I jogged, stumbled, walked and wheezed). What  possessed me to attempt this - I still don't know! 

We did luck out with balmy weather! 

Let's be honest though, if the temperature had not hovered around 60, there's no way he would have persuaded me to try out this running nonsense.

Along with, or perhaps despite Chris' new role as personal trainer from hell, the view provided enough motivation to keep me moving.  With the sun shining brightly, a slight breeze coming off the water, the sound of seagulls cawing and Chris yelling "DON'T STOP MOVING, KEEP GOING", I almost believed spring was here! 

Sunday morning's walk to get breakfast quickly reminded me that it is in fact January. It was nice to get a bit of respite from my recent hibernation, however short it was.    

Sunday, we wandered through Tudor City and had the temperature not plummeted I would have taken pictures of the distinctive architecture. We'll have to go back the next time I visit!

Chris took me out to dinner with some of his co-workers at Alta on Saturday night (by the way, Alta's food and sangria are amazing!), so I decided on Sunday that it was my turn to treat him to dinner. I made a delicious Chicken Parm and served it over pasta with sides of garlic bread and salad with homemade dressing and croutons. It may not have been our lowest calorie meal, but after the running I felt like we earned it! 

And on that note, don't you think he owes it to me to try out yoga now? Especially since he's planning on making me do this running thing again! Even more especially because I still cannot walk properly two days later?!?!

All in all, we had a great weekend together.

 Is it bad that, this morning, in my bleary state on the 4:40am train, all I could do was console myself with the fact that Miami is only 5 days away? 

I know I should try to live in the present, but recently I find myself living for our weekends more and more. 

Maybe when school starts up again it will force me to focus more on the day to day. 

Hope you all had lovely weekends. Happy Monday! 

What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

This summer, I was down at the Landing with this little cherub. She took off running towards the pool area and I told her she had to wait for a grown up before she could go in there. Lizzy turned to me with big eyes and asked "Are YOU a grown up?" 

I'm pretty sure she had no idea how complicated that question was. I won't hold it against her :) 

When do we acknowledge that we are adults? We're done with college, working full time or in grad school (or both) with people we consider to be adults. We pay our bills. We live on our own. So we're grown ups, right?  

I went to pick up my student ID from UMD's College Park campus. It was so unnerving to realize that the freshmen looked like babies. I don't know about you, but I thought for sure I was an adult then. Will we look at our 20s, once we make it to our 30s, and say, 'Wow, we were babies' ? Will we ever get to a point where we feel our age? 

I'm not sure if I'll figure that one out. For now, I'll just enjoy the freedom, poverty and fun that come with this time of life. 

Loyal As Can Be

Let me introduce you all to Norman. Norman performs all maintenance on our office, my boss' properties, and my house (since I live in one of my boss' homes). He grew up in Baltimore, in a neighborhood that was not so nice. The drug culture sucked him in for a while and he's no stranger to prison. Many people he knows have been shot, and sometimes killed. However, Norman had a come to Jesus moment and is a changed man. All of the conversations I have with him end with a "Have a blessed day little lady". He is older, and has a fiance. One time he requested I type a letter he had written her, and mail it for him. It was very sweet.

He has his own way of thinking and doing things, but it is all motivated by a good heart and the best of intentions. The methods often are a bit, shall we say, unconventional. My house is an old, old house, and has its fair share of maintenance issues. Let's just say it is always an adventure to see how the repairs have been done. We had one incident where we had a leaky faucet, and he really wanted to replace it with the best of the best for us. He returned using all of the money we had given him for two bathroom sink faucets, spent on one fixture that had an extendable hose, so we could wash our hair with it if we wanted.

Great intentions, the execution isn't always on point. Communication is not his greatest strength.

He's a man of stature - maybe 6'3" and with all of the manual labor he does, he definitely has some bulk to him. Not someone you'd want to run into in a dark alley unless you knew him. However, knowing him, he's the most loyal person you'll ever meet.

One of the guys in our office, made the decision to tell Norman about my admirer next door. Norman didn't take the thought of me feeling uncomfortable well. He wanted to threaten my admirer, inform him that I was scared of him, and force him to apologize. I quickly protested and told my co-worker to stop Norman immediately! Can you imagine how uncomfortable that interaction might be? Norman came up to my desk shortly thereafter and informed me, that he had told said admirer that he wasn't allowed to come into the office, and that I deserved an apology. So, from what I can tell, he didn't threaten the poor guy.

The tables have turned. I'm now less worried about being stalked, and more worried about having to accept an awkward apology.

Such is life!